Uh... ehm... what?

The moment I start writing this entry, I actually have so many things on my mind that I can't manage to find a proper title just yet. This, as usual, will be the meaningless crap, so you can choose not to continue reading, lol. But in case you manage to finish it, will you please help me find a title? Thanks :)

It's been almost 4 months now that my one-year-younger-than-me auntie is here in Cambodia, and come to think of it, I haven't gone out with her yet, no, not even once. I don't know if I will ever hang out with her within these 6 months, but I do intend to sometimes (hehe). We used to be really really close back to when we were kids, but what happened? Why am I so awkward around her now? Filled with questions, I decided to sit down calmly and think of what has happened over these years. That was when I found some logical reasons...

It was in 2008 when I started to feel awkward with her. I guess the reason was puberty!!! Ever since puberty hit us (lol), we continue to grow with very different interests and personalities. I've been growing in a way that I'm not sure if it's positive or negative. To put it in a positive way, I've grown to be independent and boyish. And to put it in a negative way, I've grown to be a loner and still boyish, lol. My aunt is now a woman, a girly woman which is really different from who we used to be when we were kids. The thing is I really feel uncomfortable talking to girly girls, and it seems to me that the conversations between us are so awkward since we don't share the same kind of interest. Anyways, my aunt has been hanging out quite a lot with my sister and my niece and some other cousins too because I happen to have a lot of girly relatives. In fact, I'm the odd one out. So far, I've never had anyone who is in the same category as mine, and that sucks, you know... I guess this is also the reason of my refutation of meeting relatives.

Anyways, moving on, I also found another reason, and that is comparison. To be exactly frank, I've never been a fan of comparison, and I tend to automatically become the most pessimistic person in the entire planet when I am put in any comparison. I just hate being compared so much tho in some cases I'm better than the person being compared to me. Having said that, I wouldn't mind though if I'm compared to anyone over major things like study, job, life... etc. But in the case that I really hate, I'm compared to my relatives over such silly things like height, weight, skin color, cooking skills, drinking wine... did I just say drinking wine? Yes, drinking wine... How silly!!! The other day when I refused to drink another glass, my aunt's mom went like "Come on, your aunt is good at drinking red wine... you should be good at it too, or you may lose to her for that." The moment I heard that, I thought to myself "Am I in just a family gathering? or am I in some sort of competition?" Gee, every time grandma or anyone else says things like these, I just wanna ask her right away if he/she really doesn't have any better things to say. Whether I'm better or worse than your kid, just PLEASE leave me the way I am. I'm happy with who I am, what I do, and how I do it, and I really don't feel the need to always be better than your kid. I'm tired of these silly comparisons! It's thing like this that makes me keep distance from my relatives, and of that I'm 100% sure.

I don't know what to do now, tho. I've thought of hanging out with my aunt too due to some guilt buried inside me, but still, every uncomfy feeling I have prevents me from doing so. Anyways, one thing I know now is that nobody's happy with what I'm doing. Wish I could just disappear... sometimes!

P.S: Any suggestions for the title? :)