Last Christmas for next year!

Did the title make sense to you? Haha, so basically, I meant to write about this year's Christmas! It was something new and fun, chyeah!!! I decided to spend this year's Christmas with my friends; I decided to spend a night at my friend's place. First, I'm gonna start with telling you why it was fun. Well... it was Christmas, and we went to have Korean food. It was yummmmyyyyyyy, I wanna eat it again now XD It was nothing much to begin with; we just had that Korean food for dinner. Then we headed to a pub, one of our favorite pubs in town - Apros! There were 7 of us and we drank 4 bottles of wine. We went from red to rose, rose to white, then white back to red. We sang a bit, we played snooker, and just simply chillax... After pub, we went home. Naw, I'm joking... :P We decided to go to dance at some places haha... Riverhouse and C2 Lounge were all checked but those 2 two places were too crowded. We were told that there wasn't even a place to stand... so we left for Darling Darling :D Finally, we got to the front door of Darling Darling, but we had to wait for everyone to gather so that we could get in altogether. So, while waiting for other people to come, I danced outside... it was like in front of the entrance of Darling Darling haha...~ I sounded crazy, right? But yeah, that was totally fun! The weather outside at that time was sooooo PERFECT!

Aight... getting into Darling Darling now, another bottle of Heineken! Oooh, wait... I think I forgot to mention a bottle of Heineken I drank in the car haha... We sang, we danced for a short while and left the place for frog porridge @@ That was when we had such a good laugh :D Nobody knows besides us hehe...

Okay, so why was it something new? While driving from place to place, we decided to shout "Merry Christmas" to people walking or driving along the road. THAT WAS SOMETHING NEW and FUN TOO! We received some good responses back as well... Some nodded their heads, some waved their hands, some said Merry Christmas to us back, some shouted woohoooo, and some just simply smiled... well, there were few people who went like What the... is Merry Christmas? lol

We might have disturbed few people, but look... we made lots of people smile :D

Got back to my friend's house at around 2AM, but we didn't go straight to bed cos it would be a waste to spend such time to sleep. So, we stayed up all night making tipsy version of few songs we liked and just made a complete fool of ourselves, lol. And we finally hit the sack at 5AM :D

Overall, it was a great Christmas this year... We all intended to get drunk, but unfortunately, we were still perfectly fine after all the drinking. Wish we had had more money to have more drinks lolz

How was your Christmas, everyone? :D

The greatest Christmas eve... so far!

Huhu... it's been already a bit more than 21 years I've lived this life of mine, and I've been through a lot... I've been through thick and thin... I... Whoa wait, I almost lost myself to my emotional side again haha! Anyways, TODAY IS THE GREATEST CHRISTMAS EVE EVER! and it is also Louis' 21 birthday, so happy birthday, love <3

24-12-2012 6:30AM I woke up with a happy smile on my face simply because this morning's weather literally made me happy. It was windy, it was cool... tell me who wouldn't love it, eh? Best feeling on earth was when I rode my motorbike to IFL in such a lovely cool morning while humming few of my favorite songs. I went to my usual, favorite job - teaching. It was reading session today, but it wasn't at all boring as expected. I introduced some fun activities and we all had loads of good laughs. Think it was everyone's Christmas spirit that made the class go well. I was lucky!

24-12-2012 11:25AM I got back home with a happy smile on my face because I had a good morning. But then my smile became a bit wider because my parents safely got back home from their trip to Battambang. I listened to music, I sang, I danced, I took a nap, and I woke up to prepare myself for school again.

24-12-2012 4:05PM I met a friend of mine with a happy smile on my face because we were gonna EAT haha. So to celebrate Christmas, we ate some good stuffs... We talked nonsense, we gossiped, we laughed... well, just the normal things two crazy friends would do when they meet each other. But it was priceless!

24-12-2012 5:30PM There I was... standing in front of my naughty students with a happy smile on my face, getting ready to start another fun reading session. But just right before I started the class, I was asked to allow a 30-minute pre-Christmas party, and as I am a kind teacher :P, I did say YES. Then we continued the lesson as usual, and thank goodness it went so well again. I was lucky!

24-12-2012 6:55PM Huhu... here comes the party time! I, with a happy smile on my face, watched my students having fun while they were eating, drinking, and joking simultaneously. I got even a bigger smile then cause that was happiness, that really was :)

24-12-2012 7:30PM Started another session with a bigger smile on my face. Fun activities. Active students. Teasing. Laughter. Class ended with a few Christmas songs and a Gangnam Style dance. HAHA! I will never forget that! Served you right, my most favorite naughty students :D But huge thanks to you guys for making me happy also.

24-12-2012 8:20PM I was leaving IFL with a huge smile on my face and then decided to drift around for awhile before entering home. Why? Good question... cos it's windy today. It would be such a waste to not enjoy it to the fullest :) So I rode my motorbike all the way from IFL to Independent Monument while humming Mistletoe by Justin Bieber (hmmm, JB? seriously? well, yea... I just love the song, lol) then finally, returned home.

24-12-2012 8:50PM Was finally entering home, and still with that huge smile on my face. Anyways, everybody seemed to disappear, but in fact, they were on the rooftop preparing a little pre-Christmas party. Ooooh family time! I unusually felt the excitement of today's family time. Perhaps it's the Christmas spirit that made me feel so. Great time, indeed! Massive thanks to mom (and everyone else too, I guess?) for making it happen despite your extreme tiredness! <3

24-12-2012 12:41AM Here I am... with the hugest and happiest smile on my face, lying down on my comfy bed with the pain in my waist, trying to finish this entry. I am writing in details because I want to remember today, I want to perfectly remember today! I couldn't smile any wider now, but this is the last thing I'd love to repeat: TODAY IS THE GREATEST CHRISTMAS EVE EVER! and I am heading bed now because I can no longer bear with pain... :)

Goodnight beautiful world... you've been very beautiful... so please continue to stay beautiful <3

A walk to remember...

Wait, what??? NOOOO... It wasn't anything romantic, I just decided to spend an hour to walk alone like NORMAL people would do XD I stayed home all day today, but it was pretty cool. Quite a musically productive day, it was! I spent an hour with one of my very good friends, the guy who has 6 strings on himself, and I successfully learned to play one of my most favorite songs - A thousand years by Christina Perri. I might do a cover of it soon, eh? :D But that is not all, I also managed to learn to do the cup beats, YAY!!! I was inspired by Anna Kendrick - the main actress in Pitch Perfect (my most favorite movie atm hehe), so I decided to stay committed until I succeed. AND I DID IT!!! I could do that cup beats without difficulty now TEEHEE! Aight, Souzana... I think you're out of topic here!

Ahh yeah, I obviously am... Sorry! So what I meant to blog about today is my walk. It's been a very very long long while since my last walk. That is why today, after such a happy day, and to double my happiness, I decided to walk alone along Norodom Blvd to one of my favorite coffee shops - Gloria Jean's Coffee and back home. It was a walk for pleasure, so it took me exactly an hour! While walking, I was trying to bring back loads of memories because when I was young, my feet are the only vehicle I had; I did a lot of walking! I sometimes walked alone to school, I sometimes walked with friends to another school, and I sometimes walked with strangers back home as well...  The interesting part is each walk has its own memory. I remember that one time my friends and I walked with a dog, but then we all ended up running, or maybe few of us were standing still haha... One time, we walked in such flood after a very heavy rain, and we ended up wetting our pants and jeans, not to mention our shoes, lol. It was dirty, but it was helluva fun, I tell ya! Anyways, during my walk today, I stopped at few places to take a closer look. Then, all of a sudden, I was amazed to know how much things have changed and what still stays the same... We're growing older, and the city keeps developing. We're busy living our lives, so we may notice very little about our city's development... FLASHBACKS OVERLOADED NOW, Souzana!!! Okay, in a way, I found this walk an interesting thing to do now. I wish to do it more often on different roads as I'm definitely sure it will bring me heaps of other different memories, but the thing is, it's not really safe to walk in the evening alone, given that I look like a girl to normal eyes. :\

Alright, there has to be at least one sad thing each and every day, right? The sad thing about today is I didn't wear a comfy pair of shoes, so I hurt my feet and toes quite badly after that one-hour walk, GAHHHHH!!! :\

Speechless...

When parents are not home, you're not taking care of your younger sister, but that's okay, I don't mind because I'm old and strong enough to handle myself very well.

When parents are not home, I sometimes become the one who take care of you instead, but that's okay, I don't mind because you're my sister.

When parents are not home, you hang out with your friends so late at night without caring about the curfew of this stupid house, and I'm always asked to take a risk to open the door for you.

When parents are not home, you decide to travel with your friends without being permitted, and you even involved me in your excuses.

When parents are not home TODAY, you wanted to go to watch a movie that will finish at 11PM, and you asked me to take a risk to open the door for you again... I'm sorry, but I can't do this anymore! I'm sorry I blamed you, but this for your own good too!

You're turning 26 real soon, my dear sister... but when are you ever gonna grow up? Sighs...

This could be my last post?

Dear bloggie, vas happening? So, I've wanted to update you few days ago but dang it, FAILED big time! Now that I've realized this could be my very last post (HAHA), I decided to come to say hi to you a bit...

Aight, 20.12.2012 10:15 PM today as I am updating my blog. I'd like to make some acknowledgements, lol. I would like to take a minute to thank you, Bloggie, for being one of my good friends - the one whom I can always turn to whenever I'm down or too happy. You would always listen to me and never complain about how much emo I am (only because you have no mouth to complain haha)... I really appreciate that. I'm sorry that I usually come to you only when I'm in such negative moods, and that I'm always throwing everything at you... but I hope you won't mind. Perhaps, if the world doesn't end tomorrow, I may pay you a visit more often. Promise!

Hey Bloggie, I know what you're thinking... I sound like a psychopath now, so maybe I should just stop here and kiss you goodbye... just in case, you know haha... MUAH!

Perhaps...

Perhaps it is time to build the invisible wall...
Perhaps it is time to live the world of my own...
Perhaps it really is a good idea to have less attachment...
Perhaps everyone is better off without me...
Perhaps I am also better off without them...

I don't know... but perhaps this is what I should do!

Hmmm... what to update?

So... it's been almost a month since my very last post. I'm sorry, bloggie, I've been away for a bit too long, but well, I'm back to visit you for a little while now :)

Anyways, life's good lately, tho a bit too tiring at times! My jobs are going smoothly, my family is fine, my besties are indeed happy with what they're doing, my forever alone life is most of the time great, relationship is not needed, my emotions are heightened (WAIT WHAT??? lol) aight, I have no idea what I'm talking about here... I'm talking nonsense, haha!

If I am to answer the question "what more do I need?", I will say more traveling. This time, every year, I just wish to travel to somewhere new, but when I say new, I mean new feelings haha! It can be traveling to same old places with different people, different feelings!

Anyways, Christmas is near, will it be the most beautiful time of the year in Cambodia? :D We'll see...

100 facts about me (RIGHT NOW) haha!

1. My name's Souzana, and I love my name.
2. I'm the youngest child who prolly looks oldest.
3. I am a teacher, and forever a student.
4. I love music and photography.
5. I love being alone, but I do get lonely sometimes (rarely happen actually).
6. I hate crowds.
7. I love sleeping and eating.
8. I AM FAT hahaha
9. I love sports, but I don't do any.
10. I enjoy singing and dancing despite the zero talents in both fields.
11. I love singing in shower, and dancing too... but I hurt myself sometimes lol.
12. I'm writing this without any plan, I just write down whatever comes to my mind.
13. I am so random, maybe you could actually tell from this entry haha.
14. I love laughing... well, who doesn't?
15. I've always wished to travel the globe, or at least, to my favorite continent - Europe.
16. My most favorite part about traveling is getting to taste so many different foods.
17. I LOVE ONION!!! (what the heck, 16 and 17 are so not related, see told ya, I'm random lol)
18. I love rap music, usually cos of the rhymes and the meaning.
19. Eminem is forever my number one idol.
20. J.Reyez is also my idol... but I don't want to number him just yet haha.
21. I AM A PROUD DIRECTIONER.
22. Despite the criticisms I keep getting from people around me, I still love One Direction anyways.
23. I LOVE KETCHUP!!! (haha I'm random again)
24. Favorite food? Hmmm, pizza, burger or sushi.
25. I eat fast food so often and I like it.
26. Coke or Pepsi? Pepsi for sure XD
27. It's been already more than two years that I wanna write this fact thing... I finally did it, YAYY!!!
28. I am boyish, but not lesbian, HELL NO! (I might wanna change my mind later? haha)
29. Favorite accessories: wristbands and necklaces FTW XD
30. Clothing style: big tee, jeans, sneakers, and few accessories... as simple as that!
31. I LOVE CONVERSE :D
32. I am a backpack kiddo... always have my backpack with me!!!
33. Things I can't live without: LAPTOP, internet, electricity... and food? lol
34. I am trilingual.
35. I look like Indian, people said. -.-
36. Celebrity crushes? Ian Somerhalder, Channing Tatum, 1D folks (they're too young for me lol)
37. Superstitious or not? well, a bit yeah...
38. Am I afraid of ghost? :| HELL YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
39. I LOVE WATCHING MOVIES, especially the funny ones.
40. Do I cry? gee, I'm human being, what do u expect? of course, I DO --"
41. My wish is to become a basketballer like my brother haha!
42. Any collection? yes, mugs and wristbands.
43. What do I look for in guys? Umm, sense of humor, kindheartedness, and he has to be well-built lol.
44. What kind of guys attract me? hehe *blushing* the quiet ones, the mysterious ones :">
45. I got upset when there's no milk in my fridge.
46. How many exes? Only 1, and don't want more!
47. What do I really want right now? Live abroad for awhile and get my master's.
48. I am watching a Singaporean movie right now haha (I ran out of things to write down :P)
49. I miss my childhood :'(
50. Play any musical instrument? A little bit of guitar!
51. Favorite accent: BRITISH FTW <3
52. My very close friend is Song Chhapon Mina haha :D
53. Current wish: get to meet 1D!!!!!!!!!!!!
54. Who or what inspired me to do this 100 facts thing? J.Reyez about two years ago, lol.
55. I love drawing, but I'm not good at it.
56. I usually draw doodles, or manga characters.
57. I wanna be in UK RIGHT NOW!!!
58. I wanna learn Spanish, German, Korean, and/or Japanese?
59. Ever wanted to get married? Yup, used to, but not really atm hehe.
60. Yayyyy, I'm actually really happy to reach 60. 40 more to go!
61. OOOOOOOH YEAH I LOVEEEEE ICE CREAM!!!
62. Favorite ice cream flavor: Mint Choco Chip, Rum Raisin, and anything that tastes sour heehee.
63. My zodiac sign is Virgo, and I was born in Goat year.
64. Ideal date: western guys, if that's possible, lol.
65. My favorite snacks are Pringles and Mr. Potatoes.
66. Kit Kat and Twix are my favorite chocolates.
67. Thing I could eat for the rest of my life? CHICKEN!!!
68. Who's my most favie 1D member? Dang, I'm a directioner, I love 5 of them equally xD
69. Favorite cartoons: Tom&Jerry and Shaun the sheep.
70. I often go to coffee shop alone in my free time.
71. Do I talk a lot? Depends on who I am with, and mood I am in.
72. I am a lazy bum TEEHEE!
73. Daily routine: sleep very late :D
74. I'm a night owl and I LOVE MY NIGHT LIFE!
75. My ideal best friend has to be a GUY who is very understanding, forgiving, helpful, and he has to be the one I feel easy sharing things with. (too much to ask for, that's why I don't have a best friend lol)
76. My attachment grows well and more with things rather than with people.
77. I am socially awkward.
78. Call me insane, but yeah, I admit I talk alone a lot.
79. Favorite animal? Hmmm... I don't know! But I like puppies a lot lately :)
80. If I could be any animal, I would be dolphin :D
81. Hot or Cold weather? COLD FOR SURE!!!
82. I don't like driving cars, but I'd drive if it is Range Rover, lol. (I like big cars)

83. My favorite part of clothes is shoes, lol. (sneakers, flats, flip flops, heels...)
84. I'm not really good at saving up.
85. I am tough like a buffalo haha.
86. I wanna have a feet massage right now @@
87. I sometimes think I am mental HAHA.
88. I am a thinker, I think too much sometimes
89. I have a pretty wild imagination at times. Don't try me, lol!
90. I love sarcastic jokes.
91. I love teasing people for fun, but I most of the times know the limits.
92. I hate liars, cheaters, fake people, and pretenders.
93. I am NOT a family person, but I love my family with all my heart anyways.
94. I am, most of the time, really childish and immature, but I think it's funner that way :)
95. People don't really like the serious me cos they're afraid of my serious face, lol.
96. Which one is a better compliment: Cute or Beautiful? I'd say beautiful, hehe.
97. I am NOT a sweet type of person.
98. I use violence a lot, lol.
99. I love my job, though it's a bit too tiring sometimes.
100. Woohoo, I'm reaching the very last one. I'm quite open, so if you have any more questions, ask me down below? PEACE XD

I feel sorry for my parents...

...for having me as their kid! I am probably the worst kid ever lived, and hell is ready for me 24/7; of that I'm sure. Mom, Dad... I really am sorry! I wish I had just enough guts to say this to you in person, but I'm just too chicken!!! I know I might have done very few things to make you proud of me, but that's probably the least thing I could do... Let us all not forget tons of tiny awful things I carelessly and brainlessly did to you both. I'm sorry... you won't be seeing this, but again, I'm sorry!

I know deep down inside I love and treasure you both, and I've always wanted to be an expressive child who is able to show how much they love their parents, but... I just don't think I am! I'm sorry that you have to bear all the pain...~~~

FREEDOM OF SPEECH

While currently continuously listening to the new single of my most favorite boy band, I also keep myself updated with the reactions people give to this song. Having read tons of comments in youtube, I've got enough inspiration to blog about what I've always been keeping in my mind for long. Let's say 85% of the comments I've read were positive or maybe neutral, that's because they came from the fans who genuinely love the song (I'm one of them, hell yeah). The other 15% were more like direct attacks to the boys. Some called their music shitty, some called them gay, some thought Justin Bieber is better than them and Ed Sheeran, and some other called them another 5 versions of Justin Bieber. Alright, people, hold your thoughts right there, keep them to yourself, or let it out somewhere else that won't negatively affect the other people and their fans. If ones like something or somebody, just let them continue liking it because they're happy that way. Is it really necessary to show your opinions? Even if it is, shouldn't it be more appropriate to show it somewhere else? Come on, not on their channels, not on their pages, not to their private twitters, not in such area where your opinions will hurt so many people. You also like something else or somebody else that the others dislike, so imagine how you'd feel if people say so many extreme negative things about things you really really love. Also, the fans, I don't see how you should start saying bad things to the people who go against what and who you like. I don't see how you should start drama over these tiny things. If you like something or somebody, just keep on supporting them, and ignore the hates. Those not-wise debates by using so many bad words won't help anything. If you are to give critics to each other, make sure they will be constructive.

Okay, here comes to the point I'm dying to make. It's freedom of speech... Everybody has it, everybody is using it, everybody seems to enjoy using it, but I think many are misusing it also. It seems to me that they are taking advantages of the term "freedom of speech" to badmouth about whatever they feel like badmouthing about without giving it enough thoughts. It's like one day, they wake up from a nap feeling pissed by something, and just go straight to let the world know about it mostly through social networks. People these days, they seem to care less about how their little words could actually cause such a big fight. And little do they know that their words could actually cause pain to the others.

Promoting universal peace comes from almost every mouth of ours, but what we're doing is pretty much in different lines of what we want. To the people who started the freedom of speech, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. If I were you, I might be, as for now, filled with disappointments. From what I see, the misuse of freedom of speech has been worse ever since social media and social network has improved. Having said that, I'm not putting the blame on social media and social network tho. I know the intention of improving social media and social network was purely good.

You, readers, may wonder why I blog about this because for sure, this is not gonna make any change. That's right, this is what I want, tho. I just want to let it out on a platform where my entry is not really accessible. Why? Because people won't use their freedom of speech to start a debate here. I just want to embrace this little peaceful, calm quietness I'm having right now. These days, madness is everywhere, and peace and quietness are just so rare.  

The crap that I could really feel when I rap along!

It's getting kinda difficult, adjusting to this lifestyle

No one here to hear me out, so I just write down

Since the last one, I promised not to love again

Broken hearted, it was even hard to trust a friend

So I just pretend like life is going good

Never put a smile on, even though I know I should

You got the world, the people in it getting in between us

Why can't we just agree, like shit it ain't a damn prenup

That night to remember, I felt like you're the one

I didn't wanna tell you, I was never good at speaking up 

I want you to be happy, happy that you're with me

I got your back, don't even worry bout supporting me

My visions getting blurry and life's getting distorted

I'm always in the studio, work and recording

Don't need to prove it, I need you to take care

Wondering if you think you're too good to stay here




When I look at you I see a different kind of beauty

Even though you did pursue me but you didn't see right through me

I'm not a perfect person but you see me perfectly

And I ain't gotta worry bout you ever hurting me

Build up your confidence, I'll help you take a stand

I got your back, you and I, that's my greatest plan

I'm who I am today and I got no regrets

And what we built for us is something that I won't forget

In this world, if there was more love I would give more

I'm glad you weren't the type to judge what I live for

Every show I go to, gotta deal with the assumption

Of what the ppl perceive, try to brush it off like it's nothing

I look forward to every trip, and I do it for the music

But when I'm gone, my excuse is that I'm coming home to you quick

But let me do my thing with this dream I'm gonna pursue

I would hate to ever hurt you and patience is a virtue



This is not what comes from me, definite;y... This one comes from one of my idols - 

J.Reyez and I'm so thankful for this song, for it expresses my unspoken words.

The loneliest time...

Today is baby Sophia's first ever birthday :')

I had been hyped about this for days... I had been looking forward to TODAY!

Expectation: It will be the best party ever... I'll be taking lots of photos of my boobear, i'll be smiling and laughing the hell out of me!
Reality: A crowded party... sat down quietly, and took few photos!

Being alone in such a crowd of people I don't know makes me feel a bit (yeah, just a bit) lonely; that's what I think. But today, I experience the loneliest time of my life so far! It is actually when I was surrounded by all the familiar faces - relatives and colleagues; however, had no one to talk to. Could life get any lonelier? :|

I think I don't know what else to say... so, later folks!

Souzana - une fille pas comme les autres!

Huhu... Il est 5:14AM maintenant et j'ai pas envie de dormir. Il y a déjà plus de neuf mois depuis mon dernier cours au CCF. La langue française, elle me manque. Donc, j'ai décidé à écrire un article en français. Je sais que j'vais faire beaucoup de fautes, mais ça m'est égal haha!

Alors, Souzana - une fille pas comme les autres. Tu peux me poser c'est quoi ça? pourquoi pas comme les autres? Attend, elle n'est pas vraiment une fille? LOL, peut-être. Il y a un chanson de Céline Dion, je pense, qui s'appelle "Un garçon pas comme les autres" et cet chanson là parle d'un garçon qui est, en fait, homosexuel, lol. Mais non, j'suis exactement une belle fille. Urghh, pas belle, mais quand même une fille. J'suis pas comme les autres parce que je possède plein de personnalités des hommes. Uh... je sais pas comment je peux décrire moi-même, mais savoir que j'suis différente est suffisant.

Bon, je n'ai plus de chose à dire... J'vais au lit, bises! :) x

Uh... ehm... what?

The moment I start writing this entry, I actually have so many things on my mind that I can't manage to find a proper title just yet. This, as usual, will be the meaningless crap, so you can choose not to continue reading, lol. But in case you manage to finish it, will you please help me find a title? Thanks :)

It's been almost 4 months now that my one-year-younger-than-me auntie is here in Cambodia, and come to think of it, I haven't gone out with her yet, no, not even once. I don't know if I will ever hang out with her within these 6 months, but I do intend to sometimes (hehe). We used to be really really close back to when we were kids, but what happened? Why am I so awkward around her now? Filled with questions, I decided to sit down calmly and think of what has happened over these years. That was when I found some logical reasons...

It was in 2008 when I started to feel awkward with her. I guess the reason was puberty!!! Ever since puberty hit us (lol), we continue to grow with very different interests and personalities. I've been growing in a way that I'm not sure if it's positive or negative. To put it in a positive way, I've grown to be independent and boyish. And to put it in a negative way, I've grown to be a loner and still boyish, lol. My aunt is now a woman, a girly woman which is really different from who we used to be when we were kids. The thing is I really feel uncomfortable talking to girly girls, and it seems to me that the conversations between us are so awkward since we don't share the same kind of interest. Anyways, my aunt has been hanging out quite a lot with my sister and my niece and some other cousins too because I happen to have a lot of girly relatives. In fact, I'm the odd one out. So far, I've never had anyone who is in the same category as mine, and that sucks, you know... I guess this is also the reason of my refutation of meeting relatives.

Anyways, moving on, I also found another reason, and that is comparison. To be exactly frank, I've never been a fan of comparison, and I tend to automatically become the most pessimistic person in the entire planet when I am put in any comparison. I just hate being compared so much tho in some cases I'm better than the person being compared to me. Having said that, I wouldn't mind though if I'm compared to anyone over major things like study, job, life... etc. But in the case that I really hate, I'm compared to my relatives over such silly things like height, weight, skin color, cooking skills, drinking wine... did I just say drinking wine? Yes, drinking wine... How silly!!! The other day when I refused to drink another glass, my aunt's mom went like "Come on, your aunt is good at drinking red wine... you should be good at it too, or you may lose to her for that." The moment I heard that, I thought to myself "Am I in just a family gathering? or am I in some sort of competition?" Gee, every time grandma or anyone else says things like these, I just wanna ask her right away if he/she really doesn't have any better things to say. Whether I'm better or worse than your kid, just PLEASE leave me the way I am. I'm happy with who I am, what I do, and how I do it, and I really don't feel the need to always be better than your kid. I'm tired of these silly comparisons! It's thing like this that makes me keep distance from my relatives, and of that I'm 100% sure.

I don't know what to do now, tho. I've thought of hanging out with my aunt too due to some guilt buried inside me, but still, every uncomfy feeling I have prevents me from doing so. Anyways, one thing I know now is that nobody's happy with what I'm doing. Wish I could just disappear... sometimes!

P.S: Any suggestions for the title? :)

Astraphobia

It's 3:37 in the morning on this very dawn of the day, and the big heavy rain has just paid a visit to the land of Phnom Penh, Cambodia for about 10 minutes. Gee, this is scary... and not long ago have I just realized I'm also having astraphobia. FYI, it's fear of thunder and lightning.

Have you seen Ted movie? If you have, then no, my fear is not that bad as Ted's and his buddy's. I'm just really afraid of that sudden light and that very loud sound, but my reaction would be just staying very still and kind of starring at the sky, lol.

I don't know why I'm blogging about this. I have nothing else to talk about besides telling you I have this fear... well, I just have nothing to do right now, lol.

Anyways, goodnight, good morning, good afternoon, world :) x

May the road be not flooded... nah, it's already flooded by now, I guess.

Porridge... what a memory!

YAY my mom's back!!!!!!! Okay, I know what you're thinking... why doesn't the intro of this entry match the title at all? Haha be patient, I'll get to that very soon. Anyways, yes, my mom's back from Preah Vihear :D She went there for coupla days for her hols with my relatives. Dad was supposed to go with her too, but unfortunately, he didn't feel well at the dawn of the departure day.  That means those few days I somehow needed to babysit my dad, or maybe we can call it "daddysit"? LOL...

Those few days reminded me of a time when I daddysitted (lol) quite long ago. Same story, my dad was sick and I wanted to get some porridge for my dad to eat, but I was young and had no money at all. So, the only way was to make a perfect bowl of porridge by myself. Perfect? you prolly doubt my cooking skills right now. But yes, you're right, it was nowhere near perfect. In fact, it wasn't porridge at all, lol. Turned out it was half rice, half porridge, and I'm sure it was half raw as well. Anyways, what did I do next? Threw it away? NO WAY!!! I didn't want to waste the rice, so yeah, I ate them for lunch dinner :| It was horrible, I tell ya... I barely finished it, and thank god, it was only one can of rice!!!

Did I let my dad starve? Of course not! Haha... I decided to go to my sister's house nearby and asked if she had any rice left. Luckily, I got a big bowl of rice for my dad - enough for his lunch and dinner. Phew... problem solved, but sorry dad, I knew you wanted to eat porridge but rice was better than half raw rice and porridge, right? I tried my best... :|

Man, what a memory!

Youngest child is loved by everybody, they said... Youngest child is lucky, they said...

You know what, if there's ONLY ONE thing I've learned from this life, it'll be this - BEING YOUNGEST CHILD SUCKS TO THE FULLEST!!! gee, give me a break!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! give me a life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

September and music...

I'm not sure if music is playing with my feelings or what... but lately, starting from the very beginning of September till now, it's been ridiculously suspicious (if that makes sense)! September last year, quite many not good things happened, so I had spent so much time listening to No Surprise - Daughtry and Far Away - Nickleback. Clearly, these two songs will bring me flashbacks, tons of memories of what happened back in September 2011 if I happen to hear it anytime.

Usually, I let the music player (either iTunes or my phone) shuffle the music for me, and I will just listen to anything. The two songs mentioned above have always been THERE in the list, but they were like rarely played before September. However, strangely, they were played really really often this month. It's like every time I listen to music, the music player would shuffle to either one of the songs, or sometimes BOTH. Worst, during my ride under the dark grey sky with such cool breezes - depressing weather - these two songs are played. LIKE SERIOUSLY? I could have had the courage to kill myself if the level of depression had hit its max. @@

So... I'm just wondering... is this some kinda joke? fate? coincidence? or whatever?

Forever and a day...

I'll adore you forever and a day even if you're not here to stay
I'll listen to you forever and a day even if you got nothing to say
I'll hold your hand forever and a day even if it's hard for me to stay
I'll walk beside you forever and a day even if we have to go a long way

I'll laugh with you forever and a day, that's something we should put on replay
I'll smile with you forever and a day, that's something we do to keep pain away
I'll joke with you forever and a day, that's something we do to keep us gay
I'll be with you forever and a day, that's something we wish, and forever we pray

....................................................................................................................................

Homophobia

Okay, I have homophobia. The term itself is already clear enough for you to understand what it is, I guess. But if you're not sure, then here it is... the definition of Homophobia that I got from wikipedia, lol.  Homophobia is a range of negative attitudes and feelings toward homosexuality or people who are identified or perceived as being lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender. It is also said in the website that homophobia is observable in critical and hostile behavior such as DISCRIMINATION and VIOLENCE on the basis of sexual orientations that are non-heterosexual.

Some people might have been told or might have noticed that I do discriminate some gays or lesbians. Very often, I tell people that I can't really stand homosexual people, and that I may commit crime by using violence with them. (LOL sounds cruel, yeah? but that's just the way I am!!) Anyways, I'm not saying I hate all homosexual people. I think there are some gays or lesbians that I actually respect... say, Ellen DeGeneres? Neil Patrick Harris?   Frank Ocean? Hehe... I love how they can bravely come out of the closet, be who they really are, and make such a great impact in whatever they're doing, lol. So, clearly, people like them deserve to be respected. But some gays and lesbians in Cambodia? I don't know... but the second I own license to kill, they will be the first ones to say hello the death!!! @@ Now I seem to have no humanity left in me, lol.

Alright, wonder why I'm blogging about this phobia of mine? :D Today is my very first day being host sister of a Japanese student. I went to pick her up from the hotel, and on the way back to my house, we had a small talk. The first question she asked me was: Do you have a boyfriend? No, I don't... I said with a smiling face. Then, not knowing what to ask back, I responded "and you?" (LOL stupid question ahaha) Well, she also said no... and then I just giggled a little bit. What happened next shocked me, lol. She suddenly told me she has no interests in boys. WTF!!! There, I screamed out loud in my brain... but really, from that second on, I started to feel weird, I started to doubt if she likes girls, what if she likes me? LMAO funny thoughts, but scary indeed!!! Anyways, only 2 days left to be with her, hope everything's gonna be alright... HAHAHA

...a year has gone, have I moved on?

Well, the answer is I DON'T KNOW TOO!!!

Okay, I decided to blog something a bit personal today, but it's alright... I guess? and I'll make it really short too.

Today last year at around this time (9ish night time), shit happened! IT DID! I still don't know why now, but it did. There are times I just wanna go to him and ask for the clear reasons, what went wrong, what didn't work out, why couldn't we make it the way we both had always wanted! But I have no guts to do that... maybe I'm just afraid to hear the answer or something? I don't know too, but my brain is full of the possible reasons which I've been guessing all by myself within this one year, and this is frustrating you know...

People, usually my close people, have been asking me if I have completely moved on, but really, "move on"? What is it? How does one really feel when he/she has moved on? How to know if we're totally over someone? I do think of him sometimes and of our time together... but isn't that normal? I mean, everybody has their own emotional time; of that I'm sure. Plus, it is also impossible to completely totally forget someone, right? So, are remembering and still thinking of it sometimes considered as "not moving on"? I'm sorry for having so many questions; I'm just so confused right now...

Mind letting me know what you think down below? Perhaps, it would enlighten me...

A quick complaint... A quick update!!!

A quick complaint: Dang it, why are you doing this to me??? This month, I've made myself committed to blogging. How I wish I could blog every single day... But this is what happens to me almost always! When I have things on my mind that I can blog about, situation does not allow me to do so, if you know what I mean. Then when I get back home, being ready to put my thoughts into words and all that, I literally forget everything... :| Worst, when I turn every thing off, trying to get myself to sleep, I usually remember what I, a moment ago, intended to blog about. So, this is what I did last night... when out of the blue, I remember things, I turned on my laptop again and got myself ready to write. And there it went again... I FORGOT WHAT I WANTED TO WRITE AGAIN!!! What kind of memory is this? ><"

A quick update: Huhu, the full-time job is coming so soon, and I'm kinda psyched about this! I was just informed yesterday night that there is this important meeting at my full-time workplace this Saturday! Not until then did I realize I've never had an appropriate set of girl's clothes, lol. (DANG IT!!!) I have to go shopping like NOW!!! Later folks :P

Weird realization from my 21st birthday!

According to Cambodia time zone, my birthday has gone for 41 minutes already at the point I started writing this post. I did have an incredible birthday this year, but I know it is very simple to a lot of you, readers. Maybe the hard time I encountered last year taught me how to appreciate these simple, yet memorable memories lol~

Anyways, what I actually want to share with you guys today is my weird realization of something!!! Guess what it is? :D Naw, I bet you have no clue, lol. So, this year, up till now, I got two cakes... one from my former WS lecturer (maybe you'll be reading this later, so I'd better say thank you again haha) and his gangs, and another one from my homies (my family lol)... I had to blow the candles and cut the cake twice! Let me share with you something funny about me. When it comes to blowing candles, you have no idea how nervous I am inside... because I'm just afraid that when I blow, I could accidentally blow the saliva along with the air LMAO... and that would just ruin the cake and embarrass myself, wouldn't it? Another thing is cutting the cake; it is somehow very nerves racking too as I always don't really know how to cut the cake beautifully, and equally for everyone! I have very little confidence in holding the knife. Or am I just worried too much? Haha... I don't really know, but that happens!

I'd been wondering about this for too long until just a moment ago, I sat down trying to think of all the birthday parties I used to have. I tried to recall each time I blew the candles and cut the cakes... and that was when I realized I had never really done any of those, probably only few times so far in my life , lol. When I was a kid, I had some birthday parties yeah... but I could barely remember! But from what I saw in the photos, my parents helped me blow the candles and cut the cake, so I didn't really do any of those things! Some other birthday parties, there was no birthday cake AT ALL! And some other other times, there was no candle, and my friends and I would all just dug in the cake without cutting, lol. SEE? I've never really done those things, that's why I lack of experience of blowing candles and cutting cakes WAHAHA...~ This may sound stupid to you, readers... but I already mentioned in the title that it is a WEIRD realization :)

Well, once again, thanks everybody for this year wonderful birthday memories!!! <3

Alright, time out for now... movie time!!! More later...

Just another unforgettable gift

Here I am after a huge while of no blogging! Miss me? I bet you do... Anyways, what brought me here to day is the fact that I received another unforgettable gift from my loving and caring mom this morning! So far, the best birthday gifts I got from my mom are the desk, the electric keyboard for kid (haha), and the Sailor Moon bicycle... She gave me a lot more gifts than those, just that they were not birthday gifts. As my birthday and my graduation day are around the corner, today one more item enters the list, that is the brand new watch (Royal London) <3 Again, thanks mom!

It is the most expensive watch I have ever possessed, and I never thought that I would possess such thing too, but mom, you made my never turn into ever. The reason of writing this entry is not to thank my mom because the watch is expensive... I just feel overwhelmed by what she has given me in life, by how hard she tried to save up to provide me good stuffs that I need, and by the fact that she only cares about her children, but not herself. She has given me the best life, and I couldn't  be selfish to ask for more!

Anyways, as I am now wearing my Royal London watch, I stare at it, and I have turned it into one of my inspirations :D I usually turn my valuable possessions into my inspirations so that I can turn to them when I'm down, lol. Sounds weird, doesn't it? Since this gift is for my birthday, my graduation, and the starting of my full-time teaching career, I promise myself (or the watch, lol) that I will work hard, and not to disappoint my parents. Also, as mentioned above, the brand of my watch is Royal London... and that really helps motivate me a lot to realize my dream of pursuing my master's degree in the United Kingdom!!! Now how about that? :D

Mom, Dad, I hope you're proud of having me just as much as I am proud of having you <3

Isn't she adorable?

I know... Compared to her, I'm just nothing...~

Help my sister out with her journal :D

Every single person has their own source of inspiration to move on with their lives; that is what I believe. I, too, have my most inspiring person to keep me moving on, and undoubtedly, that person is my mother. My mother has always been the one to provide me the sense of "never give up". A weak woman are the words people may generally use to describe her, but little do they know about her heroic side. My mother is a working woman; she is a doctor, so clearly, she is a busy woman. However, despite her busyness, my mother has always tried her best to take care of my family in any possible way she can. With the tiredness from work, my mother still has never ignored the household chores. Other than that, she has always been caring about her kids. Very often, she comes to my room just to make sure I am both physically and emotionally healthy. There are times I could notice that she may be feeling guilty, for she thinks that she has not provided me enough love and warmth, but the opposite is true. Every action of my mother's has shown me how hard she has tried to support this family. Regardless of how tired she is every day, she has never given up. From what she does, I grow to possess this priceless attitude as well. Whenever I face up to obstacles in life and feel like giving up on things I love, I always remind myself of my mother, of how strong she is when trying to hold on to what she treasures. That is when I bounce back and be inspired to keep going on. Therefore, I would express a heartfelt thank to my mother, for she is the one who constantly inspires me to be as strong as she is.

Aight, I was gonna write what's on my mind... but then my sister came to ask me for help with her journal. I had not a single clue what to write... and this is what I came up with lol~ #sigh wish I were a better writer...

Forget HIM!!!

This is one of the poem-like piece of writing... I was inspired by bro Shinichi Goh to write such thing! This poem was written for myself, but partly for my other half, Mina as well... We were going thru tough time together, so I was hoping writing would help me a bit...~


Forget him, forget what he said, for it'll only stress you to death
Forget him, forget what he did, for it'll bring you no benefit
Forget him, forget what he sang, for it'll only get you shoot yourself bang bang bang
Forget him, forget what he promised, for it'll only get you feeling pissed
Forget him, forget how he looked like, for you don't ever want, again, that love to strike
Forget him, forget how he smiled, for you haven't seen your own for a while
Forget him, forget how he acted, for there's no way you're gonna go back
Forget him, forget how he lied, for in your world, he already died
Forget him, forget how he was gone, for it is now time to move on
Forget him, forget who he was, for it's time you lived like a boss...

What makes me end the conversation?

Okay, so not long ago I got into a talk with few classmates after my presentation in FE class... it was not a talk actually, it was just like and QnA session after we presented something! and what happened in that class inspired me to write this post... So, what makes me end a conversation? There are actually a number of reasons why I decided to leave the conversation!!!

1. I dislike the person I'm having conversation with. So you may ask, why would you have a conversation with the person you dislike anyways? Well, there are these people who are thick-faced. They know we dislike them, but for some stupid reasons, they just wanna start the conversation with us for the sake of showing off something... and yeah, when they talk to me trying to show off what they have, I simply reply one or two words because I want to show them directly that I dont wanna talk with them, then I simply leave the convo. Cool right? :D

2. I actually run outta words to say. In this case, it's probably because of lack of intimacy or chemical? (haha) Well, this case is simple right... usually the convo is ended awkwardly! It's either I tell them to go do their stuffs, or I tell them I need to do stuffs lolz~ 

3. The interlocutors piss me off. Nothing much to say, when they piss me off, why would I stay to listen to them? The longer I stay to listen, the more possibility I will become a murderer haha~ 

4. When I feel like the person I'm talking to doesn't feel like having conversation with me. Well, I'm not a thick-faced person when it comes to communicating! Plus, I think I'm really sensitive in this case. I will end the convo immediately when I sense that who I'm talking to dont wanna talk to me... But, that usually happens to people I'm not too close with. So, how do I notice if people wanna talk with me or not? Umm, this is quite easy, i guess... When people don't feel like talking to you, they will simply reply one word when they're supposed to say something more to answer your questions... and it takes quite a long time from one reply to another! yeah, that happens.. so just end the conversation! I won't stress myself by waiting for their replies!

5. When I sense that the person I'm talking to wants to stupidly DEBATE with me, or want to childishly win me over an argument. Yeah, this is what happened to me in FE class... Hey, I love arguing with my close people for fun, but when it comes to debate, I don't usually talk or even try to convince them what I believe. Usually, in debate, most people just want to win you even they're saying non-sense things! In debate, we can't convince them. U know why? Cos they never listen to what you're saying or try to make sense of it! That's the reason why I leave the convo. Tell me why the hell shouldnt I stop talking to those non-sense people.

I guess there are more weird reasons why I stop the conversations I started... but this is all I can think of right now... so maybe more later! :)

P.S: I guess for now, you have 5 reasons to hate me... I'm sorry I just cant be the fake good!

Why is it so hard just to say I'M NOT FINE!!!

"Are you okay?"
"Are you alright?"
"Hey, you're feeling okay, yeah?"...etc
So these are the questions I found so hard to answer but usually, my answer would be "Hey yah, of course, i'm okay"! Of course people ask me these questions when they sense my something-is-wrong feelings... People say we'd feel better to share things with the close people of ours! That's what I've always wanted to try... but so far, little has been done!
Why is it so hard to tell people that we're not fine??? Well, i think that's because we then need to tell them what's going not right! At least in my case, that's my reason! It's not that I don't want to let them know my stuffs! I'm dying to let my close people know what's going on in my life... but when it comes to sharing, I hate myself for always being tongue tied, and for always not knowing how to start! I'M DUMB!!!
So here is what I usually do... I tell them I'm fine, and I act like everything really is fine :D It's easier to do things that way :|